It's my life

I love how books have that extremely large capacity to make you feel. True book lovers know what I am talking about. Anything/Anyone can cause you to think or say something but only can a REALLY good make make you feel. What I am talking about is how every time you disengage from the book, you still have that mindset, that perspective as if you are seeing your life and your world through the eyes of the characters in the book. It is like you are inside their mind.  You begin to think thoughts of the character before you can even read the words the author has put inside their head. Good books and GREAT authors have that ability to make you feel in such a way that you think. I love books that end and yet I spend the next few days feeling as if I am still a part of it.  Good books not only have the power to make you like or dislike any character, but also they make you BE any character. They make it difficult for you to get a grasp on your world without the book. Sometimes I get so involved with a book that it sort of feels similar to that of a dream. You how when you wake up from a dream that you sometimes have to go over in your head, “Okay, what happened in my dream and what is actually happening in real life. Did I actually fail that test, or was that just a part of my dream?” Good books make you take a second to detach yourself from them. I do not know if this is just me or not, but good books involve me so much that I am no longer aware of my eyes reading the words, I don’t feel myself turning pages, and the images become more alive in my head than if I were watching them on a television screen. I love novels….

I love it when people treat you like crap for dumb things and yet when they do the EXACT same thing to them, you never even do anything. Yep, today Oliver sent me the brattiest text I have ever received. Ending it with “don’t bother texting me back I never want to talk to you.” Let’s give him a round of applause! That’s a way to solve an altercation. So I text back and apologize and say I am praying and all he says is “I said I don’t want to talk to you.” I texted his parents to see if there was anything I could do and neither of them texted me back. So his family hates me and I have to deal with his high school drama crap for the remaining of my stupid senior year. I can’t wait to escape all of these drama-ridden, selfish, ignorant jerks.  I was so sad, upset, and mad after that text that I physically got sick. I can’t stand knowing people are mad at me, it makes me so sad. But he is just mad that I am happy and though he did the EXACT same thing to me that I “did” to him, he gets to treat me like crap. Yep, I am sure everyone thinks I am a jerk now. Whatever, I am bigger than his immature, high school drama and I just feel sorry for him, not going to lie. I am praying for him, despite how difficult it is. I just want to sit here and cry, but it’s not worth it. People can continue treating me like crap but I refuse to treat them badly.  I wanted so badly to text him back and say “Final thought, buddy… did you have think about how crappy you made me feel when you did (insert here),” but I resisted after I prayed for patience. He can wallow is his sadness instead of doing something with his life.  I tried for two years to teach him to do better with his life, but it’s his choice in the end, and I am so much happier dating Tyler. Get over it Oliver, I am happier than I have ever been, and I pray every night that you will be happy too, but if you always make excuses, blame others for your problems, and are lazy, you aren’t going anywhere.  So stop being a selfish brat, oh yeah… I am not walking with you at graduation.

This is something that I have thought for a really long time, but I just now publicly voicing my opinion. I dyed my hair on Saturday for the first time. I had never done anything to it before, because I was always too scared, but I wanted a change. I am one of those weird people who not only embraces change, but loves change and actually wants change. Anyway, today I was looking at my hair thinking about how much I liked it thinking how I like it because it doesn’t look fake. And I began thinking about all the girls I see who have like bright pink hair and skunk striped  ”highlights.” I have seen facebook posts, read blogs, and heard these type of girls say that they do it to be “different.” Trust me, I love difference. I LOVE diversity. I want to be around people who aren’t like me. But I think these girls are getting being “different” mixed up with “being yourself.” I wish people would see that being different JUST for the sake of being different. Isn’t being different. What I mean is that if you don’t wear skinny jeans just because everyone else wears skinny jeans isn’t being different. The trend is defining your style just as much as if you were wearing skinny jeans. If you are doing something  just to not be like everyone else, it’s not worth it. Just start being yourself. Do what you want to be you. Don’t do or not do something just to be or not be like someone else.

It is funny how it all works. All of my (closest) friends left me recently. They all graduated or life just took them far away. This list includes, in no particular order. My sister and (basically) mother: She and her husband joined the Air Force and moved to New Mexico Jessie Linder: She graduated early and moved to Chicago for college My cousin and best friend Holly: She graduated and left for Indiana for college. Taylor Harrison and her boyfriend: She graduated and left for Naperville for college. The guy I love: He joined the Air Force and moved to New Mexico two years ago. My other sister:  Over Christmas break she pretty much stepped out of my life for possible forever…  I actually didn’t realize how empty my life is today until I sat in my car in the parking lot after church and I wanted to call someone to go to Target with me and every one of my contact favorites I couldn’t call because they are gone…  It’s funny because I actually never (usually because I try to suppress the thoughts) think about all of these people and how much I miss them until I am with a whole bunch of people and I realize that the only people I want to be with include everyone that is gone. When I am alone, it’s actually easier because I feel like I’m not missing out on being with those amazing people who left when I’m not wasting my time with people who just don’t get me like the others do. This has led me to seclude myself from most of my high school friends when I am not at work, school, sports, church, tutoring, or volunteering. So yes, I am almost always with people doing something, but I am rarely just “chilling” with people. Distance is trial. It can either bring you closer together or forever separate you.  I want to be with these people forever, but the reality is this: I have no idea where I will be in seven months and no matter where that is I will remain apart from most if not all of the people I miss… I would not say I am upset with God, because I truly think distance has strengthened my relationships, especially with the boy, because he and I have had to learn to communicate better, but when you get into an argument and the only thing that can truly solve it is a hug… it gets really hard, and I just went to find a black hole, where I don’t have to feel anymore.   I am excited for where life is going to take me. I know God has called me to do great things, I know as long as I keep his commands as the center of my decisions, that I am going to accomplish some incredible things for His kingdom, but I am so lonely right now. I just want to be in his arms. I just want to see my sister’s and friends’ smiles every day. I want my oldest sister to turn back from crazy ways and see that her younger sister just wants her to be normal again. I want to know where I am going to college, and I want the world to see that time is valuable and you truly, truly have no idea have no idea what you have until it’s gone. Trust me, distance is what made me realize that I need to be with him.  I didn’t know that I couldn’t live without him until I realized that twelve-hundred miles don’t got anything on love.  He told me that he understand if I couldn’t be with him, because we would only get to see each other once or twice a year. Less when he gets deployed… but I told him this  “You know what? How I feel about you is not determined by where you are. I love you whether you are with me or far away. Just because I cannot see you doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you forever.” God has taught me that even the smallest amount of time is precious and to never, ever take anyone for granted. Just because I do not like to be around someone, does not mean that there is not someone else out there in this world who wants nothing else than to be with them.  I have learned to appreciate every second I get to be with every person, because God made them important, and I am done wasting my time not appreciating the gifts he has given each one of us. For everyone that has left me recently, I love you with all my heart and I miss you like crazy.  I know we will have our time to be together, whether it is for a day or forever, I am going to make the most of it and I hope that every person you see on a daily basis sees how amazing you are, because you have a person out there who is jealous of every second they get to spend with you when I am not around.